


Why Don't They See?

by SnowdropNymph



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Cutter Lance, Depressed Lance, Female pronouns for Pidge, M/M, May contain triggers, Self-Harm Lance, Suicidal Lance (Volton), Suicide, Suicide Attempt, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-06-28 05:32:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 15,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15700806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowdropNymph/pseuds/SnowdropNymph
Summary: Useless.Worthless.Stupid.Lance is hurting but no one sees. Why don't they see?





	1. Prologue

_Useless._

_Worthless._

_Stupid._

Red droplets were sliding down his wrist and falling down onto his denim trousers.

 

Several new cuts lined Lance's wrists, layered upon old scars and healing cuts. They crossed over, some all the way down his wrist, some only a few centimetres long, but all etched into his skin with pain. It stained his wrists and arms in a crimson hue that would be difficult to completely wash off. This pain was his release from the overwhelming, ever-present thoughts inside of his head, that choked him and took away his light. He'd been doing it for so long now…. It helped him with his frustration of always being overlooked and forgotten in his large family when he was younger. It helped him to cope with being Keith's replacement at the garrison instead of being him\- unique and important. Most importantly though, it helped him here and now- it helped him cope with being forgotten, overlooked and blamed. But, then again, why wouldn't he be? He was the screw up, the useless paladin, the idiot. What was worse was that everyone agreed with him- he couldn’t keep up with Pidge's work, Hunk only helped him out sometimes out of pity, he was sure Coran thought he was useless and Allura, Shiro and Keith had all told him on a regular basis, that he was the screw up.

 

Keith, damnit, Lance knew he was completely in love with him. He loved his fiery passion and untamed, rough edges, his talent with hand-to-hand combat and his dedication. But he was stuck here, with Keith who hated his guts, would probably stab him if he wasn't a 'teammate' and would rather eat shit than spend time with him.

 

Lance was still hurt though, no one remembered the things he had done for the team when Shiro was gone. He had talked to Coran about Altea when he was feeling homesick and alone. He had left food out on the bridge for Allura when she didn't have time to go to the kitchen. Since she didn’t have Shiro to help on the bridge, she had no time to take care of herself. He tried to come up with small ways to make her smile. He had made sure Pidge didn't overdo herself and brought her food so she would remember to eat. He had repaired anything Keith had broken or damaged in a bright, uncontrolled bout of anger or frustration. He had helped in whatever way he could with Hunk's stress baking, whether it was testing, making sure they had ingredients for him or cleaning up afterwards.

 

It must've been 4am, roughly, Lance still couldn't figure out space time. His whole body was battered and bruised from his nightly training. He needed to get better, stronger, faster because he was still the team's screwup. Lance started training several months ago, when the insomnia kicked in again and he couldn't sleep anymore. Now every night, once he knew everyone else would have fallen asleep, he would put on his armour and head down to the training deck to practise.

 

He finally felt tired, with the long day that had passed and the long day that would start in a few measly hours. His body felt weighed down and drained. His brain was turning into space goo and his eyes were drooping. Before he knew it, he was off to the land of nod.


	2. Useless

 

When Lance's alarm blared, waking him up; he was completely stiff. It took him too long to get dressed and his muscles were protesting with every movement he made. He got dressed as quickly as possible and made his way down to the kitchen. Slower than usual because his body refused to move any faster, he went through the kitchen doors and saw all of his teammates already there.

 

If it was possible, Allura would have smoke pouring out of her ears. When she heard Lance arrive through the door, she whipped around to face him and growled out, "Lance, you're late again. What do you have to say for yourself this time?" 

 

The blue paladin's eyes were still heavy and his body covered in bruises. The cuts from the night before– and the many nights before that– were stinging as they rubbed against his clothing. He was barely awake from the very few hours of sleep he got last night, having not fallen asleep until the early morning. He realised that everyone was staring at him, waiting for yet another 'excuse'.

 

"Oh, hello there Princess, looking good today! I was just–."

 

"Whatever, it doesn't matter, it's not like it will change anything." Allura huffed, cutting off what Lance was about to say.

 

Lance looked around the room for some form of support. Hunk was munching away on the morning's breakfast he had created. Pidge was furiously typing on her laptop and Coran was trying to talk to Hunk about why everyone liked his food. Shiro just looked at him with disappointment. Damn that hurt. Then Keith, Keith was straight out glaring at him, as if he had just blown up all the lions. He nearly flinched under Keith's look. The voices in his head started up again,

 

Idiot

Stupid

Fuck up 

 

Allura's voice cut through his damning thoughts as she went to leave the room. "Come on Paladins, it's time for training."

 

Lance didn't bother to mention he hadn't had breakfast yet, he knew it wouldn’t matter anyway, they wouldn't listen, they never listened. As the other paladins filed out of the room, not sparing him a second glance, Lance tagged along behind.

 

On the long walk towards the training deck, everyone was silent, so silent, it was nearly deafening. To try cut through the tension, Lance opened his mouth to crack a joke, probably at his own expense– because of course those were the only ones people actually found funny. 

 

As he tried to form the words, Hunk cranked his head around and glared at Lance. Hunk! Of all people! The blue paladin nearly tripped. It's something Lance would expect from Keith, even possibly Shiro or Allura, but not from Hunk. Now that made him feel like shit.

 

Useless

Worthless

Screw up

The thoughts bubbled up and overflowed in his head yet again.

 

"Damnit." He swore under his breath. No one turned to look at him, they just continued forward until they reached the training deck.

 

Lance really didn't want to do this today. Not with the complete and utter exhaustion from his lack of sleep, nor with the black bruises that covered his body head to toe, nor with the layers and layers of cuts the adorned his wrists, each one rubbing against his clothing painfully and itching as the old ones were healing.

 

"Ok, today we're going to start at level 10 and keep working our way up. Got that, Lance?" Shiro commented.

 

"Yup, got it boss." Lance was a little hurt Shiro picked on him but it was normal now. He hated how he let everything little thing his teammates said hurt.

 

"Come on Lance, stop being a weakling and concentrate." The frustrating and unstoppable voice inside his mind yelled at him.

 

The training started and while Lance's body complained with the treatment of it, he kept going and pushing through all the aches and pains. Once they had reached level 15, where Lance usually started, his body fell into the familiar rhythms that he had practiced over and over again. He shot forwards, backwards, and in all sorts of different ways, narrowly avoiding his teammates, whist still shooting the gladiators over and over again.

 

"End training sequence." Shiro huffed out, exhausted, after they reached level 20. Lance looked around and saw everyone huffing and panting.

 

Shiro looked at Lance and started yelling, "WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT LANCE?! YOU COULD'VE HIT ONE OF US ANYTIME YOU SHOT!"

 

At this point, the princess with Coran right behind her, came storming in and started yelling at Lance about he needed to try harder and protect his teammates rather than aiming for them and missing. Keith was looking at him with a burning gaze, as if he had betrayed the team, whilst Pidge and Hunk looked both angry and disappointed.

 

Lance felt like he was going to break down, he did help! "But did you really? You're not even tired and you hardly took any out. You're useless, you're lazy, you need to get better." The voice came back and spewed more poison into his mind.

 

So without a word he slipped through the doors and went back to his rooms where he pulled out the blade and cut over and over again, replacing and adding to the cuts that had recently healed. He tore up his wrists until his shaking, bloodstained hands could no longer grip the blade. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and spilled over onto his clothing. The cuts were both a punishment for himself and a release of these overpowering and weakening emotions. He stayed alone, in his room through lunch, attempting to make himself feel somewhat better.


	3. Screw Up

"Everybody up! The Galra ships are attacking!" Allura's voice rang out over the speakers. Lance was already wearing his armour, so he quickly jumped onto the zipline towards his lion. He piloted Blue out of the castle and waited for the others to come out.

 

"Ok, here's the plan. Keith and I will go up front and try to take them out from there. Hunk, Pidge, go on the flanks and take care of any Galra ships trying to come from the side. Lance, stay back." Shiro commanded.

 

The red and black lions charged to the front and took the battle to the Galras. They worked together and started taking out the fleet. The green and yellow paladins piloted their lions to the sides and started attacking the enemy ships from there. Lance stayed in the back, trying to shoot down ships when he could without getting in the way of his fellow paladins. Since Shiro wanted him to stay pretty far back, it made it hard to always be accurate- especially when trying not to hit his teammates.

 

Then things started going downhill. Shiro and Keith were split up and were starting to be surrounded by Galra ships. The yellow lion seemed to be slowing down while the green lion had taken quite a bit of damage. Shit, Lance quickly glanced towards the main ship with the ion canon, and it was charging up. He tried telling his teammates but the only response he got was, "Not now Lance, we're busy." The ion canon was now fully charged and started swinging around. It was aimed straight at Keith.

 

Now he was scared. He screamed into his headset, "KEITH!" but still the only response was, "Piss off Lance, I'm busy." There was only one thing he could do now- he charged forward, smashing through rows and rows of smaller ships to get to Keith. His brain was firing off thoughts, "I have to save him, he's going to die, hurry up, shit, I'm not fast enough, hurry the fuck up." He was too busy trying to rush towards Keith to hear Shiro, Coran and the princess telling him to get back into position. He was finally close to the Red Lion and just in time, he slammed into the Red Lion. His hit pushed him out of the way of the ion canon that had now grazed the Blue Lion's back paw. That shot sent Blue spiralling and Lance smashed his head into the control panel. All he heard were the others checking that Keith was ok and then he blacked out.

 

Lance wasn't aware of it but the battle raged on. They had finally taken out the fleet of ships and were headed back to the castle. The other paladins had realised Lance wasn't moving earlier and assumed he was injured, so Hunk dragged his lion back to the castle. From there, Coran had taken him into a pre-setup cyro-pod and told the other paladins it would be a day before he was fully healed.

 

~~~~~Time lapse~~~~~

 

Lance stumbled out of the cyro-pod, falling face first onto the ground. Picking himself up, he saw no one else in the room with him. With the injuries he sustained, he guessed it was possibly a… day, maybe, that he'd been in there. He walked towards kitchen, hoping he could find the team in there. Lance opened the door and stepped inside.

 

As soon as Shiro saw him enter, he got up and stood right in front of Lance, towering over him. "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?! YOU SCREWED UP EVERYTHING!" Shiro yelled.

 

"I needed to help Keith, the ion canon could've killed him." The blue paladin replied softly, but completely sure of itself.

 

"I was perfectly fine. I could've easily dodged, but no, you decided you wanted to play 'hero' and screwed everything up like you usually do. You're useless." Keith accused.

 

Lance looked around hopefully, only to see others nodding. A lump formed in the blue paladin’s throat and his eyes started to tear up. Before anyone could see, he dipped his head- he couldn't show any weakness to his 'teammates' and fled the room as quickly as possible.

 

~~~~Time lapse~~~~

 

A little while later, after several new cuts lined his wrists, and he had got control of himself, Lance went around to see if he could help any of his teammates.

 

He went to go find Pidge and see if she needed any help. He found her near her lion, trying to fix the damage from the last battle.

 

"Hiya Pidge, want some help?" He asked in his usual, savvy way.

 

"Not now Lance, you won't understand it." Pidge answered sharply and made a shooing gesture with her hand, without sparing a glance.

 

"Well damnit, ok, maybe Hunk will need some help." Lance thought as he left the hanger and thus he strolled towards the kitchen, where he hoped to find Hunk. When he entered the kitchen, he saw Hunk trying to mix three different batters at once.

 

 Lance walked towards him and asked, "Hey Hunk, want some help there?"

 

"Shh, not now, I'm concentrating!" Hunk snapped and he kept stirring the bowls.

 

"Oh… ok."

 

Lance walked away slowly, he strolled around the ship, seeing if there was anything to do. He had seen the princess earlier and asked, but all he got in return was a sharp, "Go away."

 

He had found Coran working on something Altean- well, he assumed it was Altean, it had all the weird symbols and it looked like the standard, bright, pale blue the ancient race seemed so fond of. He asked Coran if he needed any help, the response this time was, "You'll make it worse."

 

He strolled to the bridge, where he found the Black Paladin, making sure everything was ok in the castle. By now, Lance felt useless and alone, everyone thought that he would screw up anything he would help with. "Well, why wouldn't they? You are the screw up, the useless one. You don't deserve to be the Blue Paladin."

 

That fucking voice had come back. Great. Just what he needs right now, not.

 

"Hi Shiro, anything I can do?" His voice was more timid this time, less sure of itself.

"No Lance, go rest so you can actually _attempt_ to train tomorrow." Shiro growled.

 

Ouch.

 

Lance sulked away, going to where he knew the fiery Red Paladin was- the training deck. Taking small steps down to the training deck, Lance thought about what harsh refusal he would get this time. Damnit he wished Keith didn’t hate him, or think he was useless, or think he was lazy, or stupid, or any of the others words the voice inside his used when it attacked him.

 

The doors of the training deck whooshed open and Lance stepped through to see Keith on level 10. He waited by the door until he the Red Paladin completely obliterated the gladiators. When he had finished, the blue paladin asked softly, "Anything I can do to help?"

 

Keith still had adrenaline pumping through his body and he stalked over towards Lance. His muscles were still tight and his eyes were steel. "Now why would I can't help from the screw up? You're useless and you'd just get in my way. Go. Away." The Red Paladin walked back to the middle of the training deck before he could see the hurt in Lance's eyes or how Lance pressed down hard on the painful cuts adorning his wrists. Lance slowly left the room, sparing a glance towards Keith, who was now on level 11. Lance briefly admired the training paladin's grace and strength, then fled out the door.


	4. Stronger

The castle was completely quiet, Keith had just finished training and was now sleeping in his room further down the hall. Lance was guessing it was about 10pm, or the equivalent in space time. He was already dressed in his armour and he crept down to the training deck.

 

"Start level 20." Lance called out. The gladiators came down from the ceiling and he took them down one by one. His body was crying out and his head was still throbbing. Even with this difficulty, he shot and practised his hand-to-hand combat. Lance hit, kicked, jumped and received blow after blow by the several robots. He continued to complete level after level.

 

If anyone was watching, they probably would've stopped him two levels ago, after his arm received a deep cut and after he was hit by another harsh blow to the head. But there was no one there to make sure he was ok, no one to help him or take care of him.

 

"E-end train-," he let out a couple of deep breaths, "training sequence." His voice was raspy and exhausted and his body was swaying. He felt like he would collapse and he was a little concerned his legs would give way under him unless he held onto the wall. He slowly walked back to his room, careful not wake anyone up. When he arrived, he opened his door and collapsed onto his bed. He wanted to fall asleep then and there, but there was one thing he wanted to do more- and that was to cut. He wanted to not feel useless and worthless. The wanted to be free from the words mulling around in his head for just a little while.

 

He hauled himself up and got one of his blades that he kept under his mattress. Without pausing, he cut a long, deep cut up his entire wrist. He then did it again, and again, and again and kept going until there were about 8 bleeding lines up his forearm.

 

He was numb, pleasantly numb, not happy, he doubt he would ever by happy again, but he was able to function a little better now.

 

Since that was done, he could collapse on his bed and get his hour or two of sleep.

 

~~~~Time Lapse~~~~

There was yet another battle. Lance was prepared to do whatever he could to protect him teammates. He didn’t care about what happened to him. It didn't matter to his team or himself. He was being extraordinarily risky, taking shots for the team, smashing into enemy ships. He piloted Blue to evoke attacks from the galra at him instead of his team and only dodged at the last moment.

 

There were so many times he could've easily died and only survived by sheer dumb luck. No one noticed, Lance did a little, but it didn’t matter to him, so he dismissed it quickly. His team thought he was being stupid though, and crazy, and useless. Lance's mind screamed these poison words at him too, telling him his efforts were futile and useless, like everything else he did. It told him he should give up because he was worthless and shouldn't be the blue paladin.

 

Lance still battled through his teammates' words, the voice inside his head and the fierce battle raging and burning in front of him, with shots from both Voltron and the galras zipping past him and in every other direction. The sky was lit up the sickly violet the galra claimed for themselves as well as the blue, red, green, yellow and black shots from Voltron, illuminating the sky with the hope the universe needed. Lance was still a part of that, even if he didn't believe so- he was helping all these people on all these far off planets, but how can you feel that when the depression is clouding your mind and blocking out everything except for the pain?

 

When the battle was finally over, with Lance only just managing not to be injured seriously and only because of luck, the lions all flew back to their hangers in the Altean castle. The paladins all went to the bridge for their usual debrief. Lance knew what would happen, again. He steeled himself for it and gripped his blade in his hand, not hard enough to draw blood but enough to cause some pain, enough to get him through the blame he would be put through in just a moment.

 

When Pidge, being the last paladin to bring her lion back, arrived at the bridge, it was Hunk who started the talk the blue paladin and been both expecting and dreading.

 

"What the hell were you thinking Lance?!" He yelled, not in the old, caring voice he used to use with the blue paladin, his 'friend', but one that swirled and stormed with anger, disappointment and fury. "You can't keep doing this! You're risking all of our lives every time you go out into battle. Why can't you stop trying to show off and actually do what you're told for once in your useless, god-damned life that no one wishes had ever begun?" The yellow paladin was breathing loudly by the end of his 'speech' and Lance was thinking about he had screwed up so badly that his 'friend' had started berating him this much, that his 'friend' wished he was never born in the first place.

 

"That's a little too much Hunk." Shiro remarked. The blue paladin felt a little better after that, but then, Shiro continued, "He is right though. You need to get better, you need to start taking this seriously. By attempting to show off, all you're doing is showing us you can't do your job."

 

All Lance did was whisper a small, "Yes Shiro, I'm sorry." He still had his blade digging into the palm of his hand, keeping him from blowing up or breaking down, because he did try but he was still useless and worthless.

 

So he dipped his head and walked out of the room, without any of his teammates realising the effect their callous words had on him.

 

~~~~Time lapse~~~~

 

He didn't go to dinner that night and instead trained. He trained for hours, ever since the conversation with his 'teammates,' he attacked the robots, completely decimating them with every powerful blast he made. When he finally hit level 35 he stopped, covered in more bruises, each more painful than the last. Scrapes and cuts covered his body and ached and stung with each movement. He continued pushing his body past what was at all healthy and he was slowly destroying himself. Lance didn't care though, he needed to do this, his team needed him to do this.

 

He limped back to his room and took off all of his armour. He saw himself in the mirror, his stomach, his arms, his legs, well… everywhere was toned and muscular but you could see his ribs sticking out and his collarbones protruded unhealthily from his body. He was covered in bruises and cuts and scrapes from his training. From skipping so many meals, to the extra exercise he had done to try to improve himself, to the incredible amount of damage his body was trying to fix, his body was using up more calories than he gave it. While his body more muscular now, it was thin and stick-like and a sickly-looking yellow, mottled with red and grey instead of his golden-brown. He hadn't realised this huge change in his body before now, he was too exhausted or too busy to really look before. Well, there was nothing he could do about it, he needed to keep training, he couldn't go to meals with his team, he was too busy to get snacks, besides, he didn't deserve them anyway.

 

He pulled himself over to his bed, crawled under his covers, and fell into a fitful sleep.


	5. Dead

Great. More fucking Galras. How many bloody fleets do they have???

 

The vast darkness of the universe was cluttered with flashing lights and exploding Galra ships. It was a complete light show. Purple laser beams followed the five lions, making manoeuvres difficult. The team was concentrating harder than ever, dodging, attacking and defending.

 

It was chaos over the comms.

“Keith! Use your bayard to take them out!”

“On it!”

“Fuck, I missed.” Lance breathed. He was being targeted from all angles, armed only with his bayard’s gun.

“Lance! Get your head in the game! Concentrate.” barked Shiro

“Sorry Shiro” He sighed, he needed to get better, he needed to be stronger.

“Damnit Lance get your shit together” The red paladin yelled at him.

 

_Stupid_

_Worthless_

_Failure_

 

_Useless_

Thoughts of self-hatred clouded his vision _._

_I can’t let the team down!_

He waded through the battle, taking out ship after ship. He blew them up, he shot holes through the bridge and continuously took down as many as he could. If anyone had actually been watching him, they would've been in awe of his power, grace, tactics and success, but there no one watching.

 

From the corner of his eye, he saw a large galra ship, both daunting and terrifying, and it was going to ram into Pidge and her lion.

 

“Pidge, that sh–“ Lance started

“Not now. We have to focus on the fleet” Pidge snapped at him.

 

_Damnit, I can’t let her die. I won't let her die._

 

Lance thrust forward on the controls, shooting blue at lightning speed through the fleet, taking out at least five fighter jets on the way.

 

“LANCE! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” Shiro screamed.

 

He ignored the black paladin. He ignored it all. He only had a second. One second. One. Damn. Second. He slammed into the galra ship, sending the violet ship flying.

 

“WHAT THE ACTUAL F–“ The green paladin screeched.

 

The impact sent Lance and blue into a stationary shock, spinning halfway across the galaxy. His head was throbbing painfully and he knew he would have countless new bruises and several lacerations. He could only hear muffled words over the comms. Everything that followed was a blur.

 

~~~~Time lapse~~~~

"Now look at what you've done to your poor lion! Pidge and Coran will now have to spend so much time fixing her. You are completely inconsiderate towards your fellow paladins!" Allura berated him.

 

She didn't realise that Lance had only done this to protect his teammates over and over again.

 

"Lance, go clean the pods. You may as well do something useful." Shiro told him.

 

Lance wanted to argue but he knew it would do nothing. He simply said, "Yes sir." in a soft, dejected voice.

 

Allura called out after him, "Make sure you use the cleaning spray, not just the cloth."

 

It was as if she was talking to a small child, someone who was useless and didn’t know what to do.

 

"Well, you are useless." That god-damn voice piped up.

 

Shaking himself out of his thoughts, he responded, "Yes princess." and with his head down, went to go clean the pods.

 

~~~~~Time lapse~~~~~

 

"They don't care. I'm useless. I'm worthless. They don't care. I'm useless. I'm worthless. They don't care. I'm useless. I'm worthless." Lance repeated these words under his breath and they blurred together as he mumbled them. He was curled up on the floor in his room, rocking back and forth.

 

"I can't do this anymore. Make it stop. For fuck's sake, make it stop. I can't do this. I want to die. Let me die. They don't need me. No one needs me. I'm useless. I need to die." More words flowed out from Lance's mouth, unheard by anyone else, but that didn't matter right now. Lance was ready to kill himself.

 

"If you're going to do it, at least do it properly." That fucking voice in his head said.

 

Lance grabbed the knife he kept hidden under his pillow, it was incredibly sharp and it would easily rip through his tender skin and stick-like arms. He took it and pulled up the sleeves on his jacket so his cut-lined wrists were bared. There were healing cuts criss-crossing and dancing along his skin, contrasting his yellow arms.

 

He took the knife and dug it into skin just below his hand, he then dragged it up this arm until his elbow. The blood came pouring out like a waterfall and came down everywhere. He quickly did the same to his right forearm and his blood blossomed out of there too.

 

As terrible as this was, it was beautiful too. It was freedom spilling out and the way the blood came down his arm mesmerised him. He was numb but a little blissful. It was calming and peaceful.

 

"Huh, not a bad way to go." Lance thought.

 

There was pain there too, incredible pain, but the endorphins blocked part of it and the pain he endured as a paladin, constantly risking his own life to save his 'friends' had helped numb him to the rest of the pain.

 

No one would come into his room and try to find him anytime soon. They wouldn't come in the night and would probably only just to find him when he didn't turn up to breakfast, team training and lunch. They would find him, with his blood staining his clothing and floor, and probably go, "Oh well, we needed a new blue paladin anyway."

 

It was only then, Lance blacked out.

 


	6. Survive

It was time for the team to train with the gladiators. Shiro, Allura, Coran and Keith had come in roughly at the same time while Pidge and Hunk arrived a few minutes later. 10 minutes later and Lance still hadn’t arrived.

 

Hunk asked softly, "Does anyone know where Lance is? Sometimes he's late but not this late… should we go check on him? He wasn't at breakfast either."

 

Allura was now incredibly angry. "Well, it's obvious Lance is catching up on his beauty sleep or something equally as important.' She growled out.

 

"It doesn't matter, we'll be fine without him, probably better. He screwed up and didn't set an alarm or slept through it or something." Keith added.

 

The team, minus the blue paladin, fought through the levels. Each one of them had to work harder than normal and each of them were injured more than usual. Not only was it harder, they had to stop several levels earlier than normal. What on earth could be going on?

 

~~~~Time lapse~~~~

 

Hunk decided to go check up on Lance. He had never missed an entire training session before unless he was stuck in a cyro-pod. He walked to Lance's room and knocked. There was no response. He knocked again, the seconds dragged on and the yellow paladin hoped there was some sort of response, he was getting increasingly worried. There was still no response from Lance at all. Hunk then opened the door to see a deathly pale Lance, with crimson streaks running from huge, gaping cuts on his wrists, as well as smaller cuts and enormous bruises that had started healing.

 

"No no no no no no no no no nononononono." Hunk muttered in disbelief. "This can't be happening."

 

He picked Lance up and ran towards to the room with the cyro-pods. His heart was pounding and his breath came in and out, in and out, in and out, too quickly from the panic and running. He didn’t pass any of his other teammates on the way there.

 

The yellow paladin entered the room set Lance down gently on the floor and proceeded to set up a cyro-pod at a near inhuman speed. When he finished, he put Lance in there to start healing him. It was only then he let himself break down.

 

"No no no no no no. He might die. He's going to die." Hunk's breath rushed to and from his lungs. Shit, he needed to tell the team. What were they going to think? They cared about Lance, even if he was a little annoying some of the time.

 

He walked over to the intercom on the wall. "Guys," his voice raspy, "you need to come to the cyro-pod room. It's an emergency."

 

The other three paladins and the Alteans ran to the cyro-pod room as soon as possible. They were greeted by the horrifying sight of the blue paladin, deathly pale, with wrists stained red from his own blood, obviously deliberate, in the cyro-pod. His arms and every other part of visible skin were covered in sickly black and blue bruises. His arms were more muscular than they believed but they were thin, too thin, dangerously thin.

 

Everyone was in shock. Pidge was thinking about how Lance, a friend so close he was a brother, could've done something like this, what could've driven him to this state? Hunk saw his best mate nearly dead, by his own hands. He couldn't believe he didn't realise what was going on. What kind of friend was he? Coran saw a young boy who he had come to care about and who he shared his stories about Altea with. He hadn't known the blue paladin long but there was an indescribable pain in his chest that he couldn't get rid of, seeing Lance like this. Allura, she was near tears- sure, she wasn't the closest to Lance but he was her teammate. She was meant to concern herself with helping others through their suffering, yet never even realised he was anything other than perfectly happy. Shiro was thinking about how much of a crappy leader he was. He was meant to take care of these people, his family, yet constantly blamed Lance for everything that went wrong, and then never saw the effect his words had; and now, this is where it ended up. Keith was looking at the blue paladin in shock. This wasn't Lance. Lance was happy. Lance was the joker. Lance was exciting. Lance was… now here after he had tried to kill himself.

 

No one said anything, what could they say? So they stayed there, in that room, occasionally going out to get food or to go to the bathroom. At some point, Hunk brought everyone some pillows and blankets so they could at least sleep a little. None of them all slept at once though, there was always at least two of them watching Lance, in case he came out of the pod.

 

It was two days later when the blue paladin woke up. Those two days were complete and utter hell. Every second dragged out in complete silence, no one saying a single word and time crawled and slowly ticked on by, and they kept continuing to hope Lance would survive and wake up soon.

 

Everyone was awake when Lance fell out of the pod. The only reason he didn't fall face first onto the floor like last time, was that Keith had caught him and set him down on a pillow near the pod. The red and blue paladins made eye contact. Keith's eyes reflected the guilt, concern, worry and care he had for the blue paladin. The only thing Keith saw in Lance's eyes was the deadness inside of him, the ice that consumed everything he was and did. The red paladin realised why it was called eye contact- it was overwhelming and powerful and, in that moment, he really saw Lance.

 

Shiro came up to them and put his hand on Lance's shoulder.

He coughed, trying to clear the lump stuck in his throat. Softly, he croaked out, "Lance, we need to talk about this, but I think it's best if you go and get some sleep first."

 

Lance gave a soft, "Yes sir," stood up, and he walked away quietly. His footsteps fell silently against the floor and he walked down towards his room. Keith noticed something, since when did Lance call Shiro sir?

 

When he left, Pidge realised something serious and blurted to the team, "What if he goes and tries to kill himself again?" The green paladin then moved to run out after Lance, but Allura held her shoulder and tells her, "There will be cameras in his room. We can watch over him that way. I'll watch him for the moment, everyone go get some sleep."

 

Allura walks off to the bridge while the paladins go to their room to get some much needed rest, except for Keith. The red paladin lagged behind, wondering how on earth he could go to sleep now.

 

The princess was watching the suicidal paladin with the cameras situated in his rooms. He was not trying to kill himself again, which was a bit of a relief, but instead, she saw him releasing heart-wrenching sobs. She saw tears cascading down his face and falling onto the ground. Allura did not think she had ever seen someone in so much pain, it was indescribable. She wanted to turn away but she couldn't, all she could do was stand there and watch.

 

The princess had not seen nor heard Keith enter the room. The red paladin stood by the door, watching the screen where Lance was on display, with sobs wracking his body. He saw the stick-like boy's eyes red and puffy from his bawling. He too wanted to look away, but it was impossible.

 

The red paladin stood there for what seemed like years, watching his teammate cry for such a long time. He was sure as hell he wouldn't let it happen again, not to Lance or anyone else.


	7. Protection

I don't own Voltron. (I wish I did though!)  
Thank you so much to Lexie, Lance Lover, Lily+Bat and Uhohalfrado for their reviews!  
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Keith stood by the doorway for about half an hour, until Lance finally collapsed from exhaustion. Allura sank to the floor and held her head between her hands. Keith slowly walked up to her and sat beside her. 

"It's hard, isn't it? We all thought he was fine… and look where we've ended up." He said, almost too softly to be heard.  
"I thought he was ok. I should've seen he wasn't. I should paid more attention." She trembled.  
"We all should've. Go to sleep, I'll watch out for him." The red paladin remarked. Allura got up silently got up and Keith watched her on the cameras go to her room. 

He must have been sitting there for about 4 hours, just watching the blue paladin sleep, when he heard the door whoosh open behind him. He riveted around to see Shiro there, looking worn down.  
"Come on, I need your help." Announced the black paladin. He started to walk out and Keith rushed to catch up with him.  
"What are we doing?" He queried.  
"We're going and finding all Lance's blades. We can't" he choked "we can't let this happen again."  
The red paladin merely nodded and they swiftly went to the suicidal paladin's room.

Quietly, to make sure they didn't wake Lance, Keith and Shiro scoured Lance's bedroom and bathroom, collecting every sharp implement they could find, in hopes of protecting Lance from himself. There were so many- all hidden in unexpected places. There were blades hidden in the sole of his shoes, in the ornamental windowsill Lance had made himself earlier, under his lamp, they were just a few of his secret stashes. 

Keith nearly threw up. Only God knew how long Lance had been cutting for. He had so many blades… how did they never realise? He felt a hand on his shoulder and whipped around.  
"Go to sleep, Keith. I'll go back and look over him. I'll also try to talk to him when he wakes up." lamented Shiro.

So Keith stalked towards his room, mind swirling with different emotions- fear, anger, dread but also a little bit of hope. 

~~~Time lapse~~~

About 2 hours later, Lance showed signs of waking. The black paladin hurried down to his room so he wouldn't be alone when he woke. When he opened the door, he saw Lance starting to get out of bed. Lance turned to look at him when he heard the door open, and when he saw who it was, his eyes quickly dropped to the floor.

"Come on," Shiro said, "we need to talk."  
He held the blue paladin's shoulders and led the both to sit on the side of his bed.  
Shiro started, "We need to talk about this. As a team. We're meant to be there for each other. And yes, I'm pretty sure we all realise, we screwed up. Badly. But we need to talk about this. We need to be able to help you. We need to be able to form Voltron…"

At this Lance exploded, "Screw the universe for once! If that's the only reason you've come to talk to me, piss off and go fuck yourself before I kick you out."  
The blue paladin stood up and quickly lost balance, still suffering from blood loss. The black paladin grabbed and held him. He waited until the blue paladin's dizzy spell had passed.

"It's not that Lance. I was just trying to give you a goal to work towards. We want to help you. Come on, the team is waiting. Also, at the moment, you're nowhere near well enough to kick me out, so please don't try." offered Shiro

Lance quickly glanced around his room and realised there was something off about his room, a few things were a little out of place or not where he left them. He suddenly realised, "What the FUCK where you doing searching my room?" he shouted.  
"We're protecting you. Without your blades, we can at least buy us some time if something goes wrong. Up. Now. We're going." Shiro got up and walked out of the room, with Lance following slowly behind.

The walk to the bridge was silent and awkward. Lance was trying to figure out what everyone would say. An attempted suicide was no small thing, he knew that, but he didn't want pity. Never pity. But he knew that everyone would now be treating him differently. He never expected to survive his downfall, but now here he was, having to plan what he was going to do, and say, and act, and think, and respond. He was now working himself into a panic that he couldn’t control.

The door to the bridge opened, Shiro stepped inside with Lance behind him, eyes down at the floor and his lips in thin lines. The rest of the paladins and the Alteans were sitting in a circle with some space for Lance and Shiro. The suicidal paladin sat down, on one side there was Keith and on the other side was Coran. Keith went to go put his hand on the small of Lance's back but retracted his hand when Lance was clearly out of place and uncomfortable with the way people were looking at him.

It was unanimously decided that Shiro would lead this 'conversation' since he was the leader of the group. Keith looked at him and nodded, indicating that they should get started. No time like the present and all. In honesty, Keith just wanted this over and done with, he wished it had never happened. He blamed himself.

"What caused this?" Shiro's voice cut through the tension like a warm knife through butter.  
Lance merely mumbled incoherently. No one could tell what he had said.  
"A little louder Lance, if you don't mind." Coran interjected.  
Barely louder than a whisper, the blue paladin answered, "A lot of stuff. Does it really matter?"  
Keith nearly exploded at that, "Of course it does! You're our teammate and friend." He asserted, trying not to let his frustration at himself creep into his voice.  
"Come on Lance, please answer the question." asked Shiro.

The blue paladin knew that there was no way he was getting out of this. He knew he would have to answer their questions and they wouldn't take no for an answer. But he could lie.  
"It's just, a lot of stress out here, you know, saving the universe and all that. It's a lot to deal with." The blue paladin said.  
He looked around to see if everyone had accepted his lie as truth. The first person he looked at was Shiro and the black paladin looked unimpressed.  
"You're lying." Shiro said, seeing no point it dampening the blow. "Now, let's try again with you telling the truth."

The blue paladin swore internally. Now there was definitely no way out of this. Lance took in deep, shaky breath and answered, "It-it was a lot of things. I know I'm useless. Cut-cutting has always been my method to deal with it, to deal with the voices in my head too. It was just harder when everything I did proved the voices in my head right, until I was ready to give up." He paused for a bit, he was the others looking at him, expecting him to continue, "That's all I'm saying for now. Yes, there's more, I'm not sharing it now though." He looked around, hoping that his 'friends' would accept that, that it wasn't easy to share what he'd said already. 

Pidge was the first one to get up and leave, she just wanted to rest and think things through. She knew this was partly her fault, the things she said to him and the way she kept dismissing him. Hunk followed her, thinking about how he should've known and should've been there. Everyone else left after that, except for Keith, thinking along the same lines as Pidge and Hunk. Keith stayed though, he already knew he had been part of the cause, all the things he said and did to him, but now it was time to help Lance.

"Show me your arms." Keith ordered.

Lance snapped out of his daze and immediately asked, "What? Why?"

"So I can check how they're healing. Neither of us leave before I check."

Lance sighed and resigned to the fact that the red paladin wasn't bluffing. He'd resigned to doing what other people had told him to do a lot today. He held out both his arms, wrists up and closed his eyes, he didn't want to see this. He felt Keith's warm hands tenderly unwrapping the bandages. He fought to keep down his blush as his crush, Keith, took care of him so gently. The red paladin finished unwrapping both arms and looked at the still red cuts on Lance's arms, caked in old, dried blood. None seemed to be infected, luckily, so he wrapped them back up, making sure to be as gentle as possible. 

"Good." was all he said. He then helped Lance up off the floor and they silently left the room and then parted ways.


	8. Pity

I don't own Voltron. (I wish I did though!)  
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No one saw Lance again that day. He didn't come to any meals and they decided it was best to let him be for a while, although Keith did go deliver him lunch and dinner. He was slightly worried when he came back to collect the plates and the food wasn't touched. He would try to talk to Lance about that soon.

When everyone else went to sleep, Lance got out of bed and went to the training deck as per usual. He forced his damaged body back into his routine as much as he could since he still felt dizzy from the blood loss. He fought robot after robot, still taking them down with extraordinary power and grace. 

Several hours later, battered, bruised and bleeding, he made his way back to his room to collapse. 

~~~Time Lapse~~~

"GALRA SHIPS APPROACHING! EVERYONE UP!" Allura called over the PA system.

Lance groaned and got out of bed. It must have only been an hour since he went to sleep. He still got up, still in his paladin uniform from his secret training, and rushed to Blue, stiffer than usual after his few days of break. He waited outside the hanger for the rest of Voltron to come out. 

Keith silently promised himself he would look out for Lance, not realising everyone else did as well. They were all terrified Lance would kill himself during the battle by doing something stupid, like letting the galra hit him. 

They flew out at the galra fleet. Pidge was attacking some of the smaller ships whist invisible. Hunk was ramming into the ships, destroying their cannons. Shiro and Keith worked together to take out as many of the galras as possible. They were all glad to see that Lance was staying back, hopefully where there was less chance of the galra hitting him. He really was sharpshooting. He aim was near perfect and fast. How had they not realised? The fleet was quickly wiped out, a good portion of them destroyed by the blue paladin. The Alteans and other paladins hadn't noticed what an asset Lance was. They hadn't notice him at all, unless something went wrong.

They came back to the ship and had a quick debrief, with the Princess saying how well everyone had done. The blue paladin quickly fled from the group to go back to his room. He heard small footsteps coming up behind him.

"Lance!" Pidge called.  
Lance quickly turned around to see his shortest friend running up to him.  
"Umm… do you want to help me build this thing. It's to try to make Hunk's lion be a little stronger."  
"I don't need your pity Pidge. Don't try to include me with something just because you think I need help." Lance interrupted bitterly.  
"It's not that! I just realised…I miss you, the old you. I just want to spend time with my friend and try to fix what went wrong." Pidge cried out.  
The blue paladin thought for a few moments. "Ok, let's go, I guess"  
The green paladin perked up at that and nearly dragged Lance to her little workshop.

They spent several hours trying to build this gadget for the yellow lion. The two paladins talked a little about nothing in particular. The conversation stayed on very safe, familiar topics. It was nice, Lance thought, he hadn't had a conversation like that in who knows how long, but he still felt like Pidge was only doing this out of pity.

Eventually, when they finished the hardware of the gadget, Pidge got out her laptop to start coding. When the blue paladin saw this, he got up, knowing his work was done and he planned to leave without a word.

"Oi! Where do you think you're going. We're not done yet!" The green paladin called out.  
"You know I can't code." replied Lance sharply.  
"Well, I'll teach you. Now get back here."

And that's how the rest of the day was spent. Pidge teaching Lance to code. The covered classes and objects and attributes as well as many other different necessities. Even though the blue paladin didn't do any coding for the actual gadget, he still felt a sense of achievement at learning something new. He'd wanted to try coding for such a long time, but he never felt comfortable going out and asking for help to start. It made him happy, almost. He still doubted he would ever be truly happy. His teammates would only be nice to him out of pity or because they thought it was their duty after what he did. But for now, he just wanted to pretend Pidge actually wanted to talk to him because she missed him and didn't realise it before. 

It was Keith who came and got them for dinner. Lance could tell he had just come from training, his face was still a little flushed and sweaty. He had his jacket off showing his forearms and all Lance could think was fuck. Luckily Keith wasn't aware of his staring as he told them both it was time for dinner.

The blue paladin knew that Keith still hated him, he doubted that would ever change, but, at least for now, he could still look.

The three of them strolled up to the dining hall where Hunk had made Lance's favourite foods but the blue paladin still didn’t want to eat anything. As soon as he sat down though, he saw everyone else's eyes on him. Everyone started eating so he just moved his food around the plate, cutting it up into smaller and smaller pieces. It was Keith who noticed first and gave him a sharp, pointed look, that was impossible not to know the meaning of. Lance, however, still continued to move his food around his plate, not eating anything and as soon as the first person finished, he got up and left the table to go to his room.

He still wanted to cut. Everything was still overwhelming. Although the coding made him a little happy, the thought that all his teammates just did this out of pity or duty and all the stares made his thoughts turn poisonous.

Fuck up

Burden

Useless

He couldn't cut though. He knew they would find out that he still had a few blades they hadn't found and then they would take them away too. He would have to wait until they stopped watching him like hawks. He sighed and settles for digging his nails into this skin, it was the best he could do for now.


	9. Panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, in a few chapters I need one of the Alteans or other Paladins (not Keith) to be mean to Lance :(
> 
> Who do you think would be best? I love all of them so much so I have no idea.
> 
> Thanks all xx

I don't own Voltron. (I wish I did though!)  
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They were on the planet Grodon. It was a world of tropical rainforests with the most exotic wildlife. There were giant lilies flecked with every colour of the rainbow and mini King Parrot-like birds but with golden and bronzed feathers instead of red and green. They merely stopped so they could make some repairs to the castle and stock up on supplies. It was an amazing place to stop. That was, until the Galra found them again.

They faced a huge robot covered in thick armour that shot a type of energy that could disable a lion for 2 minutes. That was how they ended up in this predicament, with this robot holding a giant knife of the blue lion that was disabled and laying on its back. And thus, they found out, this robot was able to talk.

"Useless." He said whilst laughing, "Voltron, the greatest weapon in the universe and I have one of you pathetic, little things at my mercy. I could destroy you in just a moment if I wanted to. You are weak and…"

Keith rammed into the robot's arm, destroying it. He pushed the arm forward before it dropped the blade, and so it landed next to the blue lion, allowing Lance and his lion to remain unharmed, physically that was.

Useless

Pathetic

Weak

He was still on his back whilst the rest of the team won that battle. When the robot's effect wore off, he flew back to the castle. He went to his room immediately, not bothering to go to the debriefing. He let himself fall into his panic attack as soon as he arrived in his room, knowing it was too strong to fight. 

So that's how Keith found him. On the floor of his bathroom, gasping for air in short breaths, hands shaking wildly. It was not a pretty sight. Keith was lost, he had no idea what he could do to help, he'd had his own fair share of problems, but he had never had to face a panic attack. 

"Oh well," he thought, "here goes nothing."

He scooped Lance of the cold floor and brought him to sit on his lap with his arms wrapped around him. Lance was freezing. He ran his hands through the blue paladin's hair, just whispering, "shh, shh, take a deep breath, it'll be ok." He was not good at comforting people. He just remembered when he was little, a friend of his would always say, "shh, shh" when they were comforting someone else.

The two paladins stayed like that for a while, neither knew how long really. When Lance's panic attack finally went down, he looked up to see who was holding him. He blushed a vivid red when he saw it was Keith and looked down at the floor.

"Do you want me to stay or leave?" Keith asked.

Lance considered. On one hand, he was being held in Keith's arms, he was sitting in his lap, being comforted. It was something cute and coupley that he had kind of daydreamed about. On the other hand, he knew that the red paladin was only doing this out of duty or pity or whatever. But he was so sick of reality, he wanted to just pretend for a little while.

He lay his head on Keith's chest and just mumbled, "stay."  
Keith realised then how small the blue paladin, how fragile, but dare he say it, cute too. Keith was gay. The whole team knew that, he'd come out to the other paladins and Alteans a few months ago. Everyone knew Lance was bi, it was pretty obvious. He really liked the way Lance snuggled up to him.

"Nope, nope, nope, Keith. You're not thinking about that. Nope. He's just Lance." he thought and forced his mind to change the subject.

~~~Time lapse~~~~

A few days later, Shiro knocked on his door. Every one of his teammates had been in a few times a day, sometimes just to talk to him or check how he was healing among other things. He didn't need to bother leaving his room because the other paladins would bring him food and other necessities so he didn't see the point in going to the dining room to eat.

"Hey, is it ok if I come in?" The black paladin asked.

Lance just shrugged. Come in, stay out, it didn't matter.

Shiro came in and sat down on the bed next to the blue paladin.

"I just came in to talk to you for a bit. You don't have to say anything. I wanted to say I'm really proud of you. I don't know if you realised it but since the… incident you've been getting better and better. I know that I, and the rest of the team, are trying really hard to fix what we've done. In a way, it might seem fake to you but we just want to make sure you feel loved and cared for and worth it because you are. It may seem fake but it is very, very real." The black paladin said.

Lance just looked at him in shock, and honestly, a little awe. Both paladins stayed very still for a few minutes, with Lance digesting what Shiro had just said. All of a sudden, the blue paladin got up and hugged Shiro. He still wasn't completely convinced the way everyone was treating him wasn't fake but he appreciated it that Shiro came and talked to him about it.

~~~Time lapse~~~

When everyone was asleep, Lance, once again, got up to go train. He battled through level after level, getting stronger and fast, thinking he was alone. What he didn't realise though, was that in the corner of the training room was Keith's jacket.

About an hour after he started, the training room door opened to show a shocked-looking Keith when he saw the blue paladin. He hadn't realised that Lance was training at night. How long had this been going on for? Was this why sometimes he was late to breakfasts? Because he was training and then not getting enough sleep? It would explain the near-constant bags under his eyes as well.

As Lance heard him enter, he turned around, weapon drawn and pointed it right at the intruder.

"Fuck," Lance exclaimed, "you terrified me. Why are you here?"  
"I left my jacket here. What are you doing?" He responded.  
"What does it look like?"  
"Training. You should be sleeping though. Besides, you've got a huge scrap down your arm."  
"I'll do one more level, then I'll go"  
"Ok."

Keith then grabbed his jacket and went up to the viewing area to watch Lance's final level. But that wasn't the last level. Lance kept going and going and Keith watched him throughout the night.


	10. Weak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that I haven't posted in ages! I was feeling pretty good and this is obviously quite a dark story so I didn't think it would be great for me to keep writing for a bit. It's here now though, next few chapters will be up in the next few days.

 

I don't own Voltron. (I wish I did though!)

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About a week after the incident, Lance was looking out at the stars on an old observation deck. Roughly around midnight, Coran walked through the doors. The blue paladin turned to look at him, wondering why he was here, no one else ever came here.

 

"I was just checking the ship via the cameras before I went to sleep. I saw you out here by yourself, staring at the stars. I usually do the same myself when I'm missing home." Coran explained.

 

The stayed silent for a while, both lost in the endless stars, until Lance piped up, "What do you miss most about Altea?"

"The people." Coran's response was instantaneous. "They were all such good people and I will always miss them. How about you?"

 

Lance thought for a while.

 

"The rain, I guess, it's nice and refreshing, and it's something just so fundamentally Earthly."

 

"The thing is though, while I miss my home, that's not where we are and I can't get it back. I can't afford to get lost in memories, remember what happened when Allura did? All I want to do it protect her. She is a very special young lady. She means everything to me." Coran said passionately.

 

That left Lance with a lot to think about. Why was he staying out here?

 

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The blue lion was sent flying. Lance had taken another hit.

 

_Useless_

 

_Worthless_

 

_Weak_

 

"Why won't this voice leave me the fuck alone?? This is the last thing I need right now." The blue paladin muttered under his breath. He pushed his lion forward and joined the battle once again. He fought with the other paladins trying to get a solid hit on the enemy.

 

"We're going to need to form Voltron to take this guy down." Shiro stated.

 

Lance's breathing picked up. They hadn't formed Voltron in a long time and he didn't know if he could- not after  everything that happened, not with how distant he had become.

 

"Should I say something? Can I not? I can't let everyone know how weak I am. I need to be able to form Voltron. I don't know what to do. I can't do this. I'm not good enough." The blue paladin thought, but before he could say anything, they were moving to form Voltron.

 

Nothing happened.

 

It didn't work.

 

"All of you try again!" Allura called from the castle. "You need to do this."

 

They tried again.

 

It still didn't work.

 

_Useless_

 

_Fuck up_

 

_This is your fault_

 

_It's always your fault_

 

They kept trying to fight it separately but nothing was working. All of his teammates had taken several devastating hits. He tried his absolute best but he his shots were useless. The battle blurred around him, rushing past. Until Keith got hit. The red paladin was sent flying and crashing.

 

"Mullet, you okay?" He tried over the intercom.

 

He heard nothing back.

 

"Keith? Can you hear me?" He tried again.

 

All he heard was a low groan of pain. He rushed over to drag the red lion to the castle where Coran could shove him in a Cyro-pod, screw the battle, it could wait. He let go of the red lion in the docking bay and Coran was there to take Keith to a Cyro-pod.

 

Lance didn't want to see the damage so he flew off immediately back to the battle. He shot over and over but nothing fazed this guy, he had eyes everywhere and instant reflexes, the shield blocking anything and everything that came its way.

 

They were all near collapsing, they still hadn't found anything that worked. All of a sudden, another ship appeared, but it wasn't galra, honestly, they had no idea what it was. The mystery ship attacked the monster with a huge beam of golden light and the enemy suddenly had a gaping hole in it that was growing and growing, until the monster was nothing but space dust.

 

"Who the fuck is that?" Pidge exclaimed.

 

"No idea, but we definitely need to thank them." replied Hunk.

 

The paladins approached the ship cautiously but as quickly as it appeared, it disappeared.

 

"Huh, well that was weird." Lance said.

 

Keith, he remembered, and he rushed back to the castle, he'd forgotten about him. He parked the blue lion and hit the ground running towards the Cyro-pod room.

 

The red paladin looked okay, he had blood on the side of his head so Lance assumed he had hit is head there. The door behind him wooshed open and Coran entered.

 

"He'll be fine in a few hours and then he'll be as good as new, don't you worry." the Altean said.

 

"I'll stay with him anyway." The blue paladin said, not taking his eyes off the injured boy he cared so much about.

 

"Ok then, I'll get you some food." Coran responded, his footsteps resounding against the metal floor as he left.

 

Lance was vaguely aware that Coran had come back a while later with some food that Hunk had made earlier in the day but he didn't touch it. He just waited for Keith to be out of the damn pod.

 

It was a few hours of tedious and painful waiting later that the red paladin fell out of the pod with Lance catching him.

 

"You all good Mullet?" He asked.

 

"Yeah. Is that food for me?" Keith relied.

 

"Go for it."

 

Keith dove towards the food and Lance chuckled, walking out of the room, sparing a quick glance towards the red paladin. He was sore and bruised but he needed to train more, especially after his lack-lustre performance earlier.

 

"Start level 25," Lance called out when he was ready. He practiced his hand to hand combat, decimating the bots one by one. He received a few nasty hits but he kept going and going and going until he had a long scrape up his leg and received several hits to the head. He felt dizzy and on the verge of collapsing to he forced himself back to his room where he proceeded to collapse on his bed and fell asleep still in his paladin gear.

 

 


	11. Crush

 

I don't own Voltron. (I wish I did though!)

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Keith was in his room, now fully healed thanks to Lance. For some weird, unknown reason he couldn't stop thinking about the blue paladin, about _Lance_ \- fragile, broken yet beautiful Lance.

 

Wait, what, beautiful? Since when is Lance beautiful?

 

"Since forever. You've just finally accepted it." A tiny voice in the back of his head told him.

 

Shit, it was right though, he had always thought it. He loved Lance. That thought both inspired him and terrified him. He loved Lance- beautiful, fragile, caring, suicidal, Lance.

 

It hit him like a brick wall. He hadn't realised it before. He was in love with _Lance_. What the fuck was he meant to do about it? He'd had crushes before but being in _love_ was something new and foreign. Was he meant to go talk to Lance? There was absolutely _no way_ he felt the same way. Not to mention, Lance was under enough stress and pressure at the moment.

 

It wasn't until dinner that he saw the blue paladin. He was actually eating something which was a good change. Keith tried not to look at the blue paladin and just eat his meal. He did sneak a peek at Lance though.

 

_Gods, he's adorable._

 

_And cute…_

 

_Damn, I wish he was mine._

 

_That I could hold him._

 

_Take all the pain away._

 

Lance looked at him curiously. Keith realised his "quick peek" was not quick but had turned into a stare. His face flushed red and he looked away.

 

"You okay there Keith?" The blue paladin asked, oblivious to why Keith was looking at him.

 

"Ye-yeah, everything's fine, good, great." He stammered out.

 

_Oh gods, what am I doing??_

 

_He's going to think you're an idiot._

 

_What do I say??_

 

Lost in his thoughts, he didn't realise Allura and Lance left to go try doing different face masks. Everyone else was looking at him oddly, trying to figure out why he was acting so un-Keith-like. He was usually quite confident and here he was stammering and blushing over a simple question.

 

~~~~Time lapse~~~~

 

Lance and Allura were in Allura's room trying on different face masks. There were ones that kind of smelt kind of like a mixture of rose, lavender and lemongrass, others that smelt like berries and others like fruit. They really enjoyed trying out all these different things. They talked about random little things, asking about different things on Altea and Earth and generally stayed away from delicate topics.

 

They were trying a face mask that smelt like salty rose and Dettol to Lance and giggling at something silly Allura had said when the door wooshed open. Keith poked his head through Lance's door, he wanted to talk to him about these weird things he was feeling. He heard giggling. Something rose up within him that he had no idea how to describe, it wasn't anger or sadness or protectiveness but it was kind of all of them, ugh, he hated this unknown feeling. What was it??

 

Still giggling slightly, Lance said, "Hiya Mullet, wassup?"

 

It took Keith a few seconds to react, "Oh, what? No-nothing. Don’t worry 'bout it. Bye." He quickly fled back out the door.

 

"I don't think I've ever seen him act that way." Allura stated a few seconds later.

 

The two beauty lovers quickly dismissed it though and kept talking about beauty stuff. Lance was feeling happier, he didn't know if it would last but at least it was there for a bit.

 

~~~~Time Lapse~~~~

 

"Start level 15," called Shiro.

 

The paladins were trying to improve on working and fighting as a team, being able to trust one another and get used to working in sync. They mostly worked together well besides a few mishaps here and there. When they had finished, Allura and Coran came through the door.

 

"Good job Paladins. You all did very well. Keith and Lance though, you did well but you need to get used to working as a team and not just relying on yourself." Allura congratulated.

 

Shiro then added, "Obviously you have your reasons for having to rely on yourself when you're fighting and they're important, but we need to be able to work together too. Just something to work on."

 

Allura gave a slight nod to Shiro and everyone started leaving, although Keith stayed behind and as Shiro was about to leave he piped up," Hey Shiro, can I talk to you for a second?"

 

Shiro was like a big brother to the red paladin, Shiro would be the best person to talk to about all this weird stuff he was feeling.

 

"Yeah, what's up? Are you okay?" The black paladin asked.

 

"Yes. No. Well, I really have no idea, which is why I want to talk to you…" Keith replied and drifted off towards the end.

 

"So, are you going to tell me or are we just going to stand here all day?"

 

Keith started rambling, "I-I think I'm in love with Lance. It's giving me all these weird emotions I have to deal with. Like earlier I went to go talk to him and he was giggling away with Allura and I had no idea what I was feeling. Then there's love too, it's so weird and new and scary but it might not be love, it might just be infatuation or fear or something. Also, super protective feelings, what the fuck's with those? He's just my teammate…"

 

"Woah, woah, woah, I'm going to stop you there, you're starting to talk faster than I can keep up." Shiro halted him, "First of all, it's fine being in love. Emotions are good, you don't have to 'deal' with them in the way you think you do. I might be wrong but when you went to talk to him and he was with Allura, the emotion there might've been jealousy…"

 

"I don't get jealous!" Keith burst out.

 

The black paladin gave him a side eye look and said, "Really? Then why are you getting defensive about it?"

 

"Oh."

 

"Yup, let's go on, if you're feeling all these other things, it's probably love. After all these things that Lance has gone through, it's probably pretty natural to be feeling protective over him, especially since you have a crush on him. He's gone through hell, of course you want to help him and make sure he never feels like that again."

 

"Oh."

 

"It'll be fine, now chill and go have a shower."

 

With that Shiro left and Keith stayed for a few minutes, trying to digest everything the brother-like paladin had explained to him. He grabbed his jacket and went off to hit the showers before lunch.

 


	12. Relapse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really sure where I want to go after this chapter so if you have anything you really want to happen, please let me know!

 

Thank you so much to the people who reviewed/commented. It means so much and it's why I started writing again.

I don't own Voltron. (I wish I did though!)

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Allura was manning the bridge, checking everything was okay. A distress signal from a nearby planet flashed up on her screen. She ordered all the paladins up and told them where they were going- a tiny, nearly uninhabited planet called Draak.

 

The castle flew down to the distress signal, except no one was there.

 

"Princess, are the scanners working properly?" Coran asked.

"I'm sure of it." The princess replied. "Paladins, go out in your lions and see if you can find anything."

"On it, Princess." said Hunk and they all came out of the loading bay.

 

They were all wary of their surroundings and kept an eye out on each other. They searched for at least an hour but couldn't find anything or anyone, it was just an endless desert. When they were about to give up, a purple smog started appearing spontaneously, and then they all blacked out.

 

~~~~Time Lapse~~~~

 

Hunk woke up first, followed by the Alteans, Shiro, Keith, Pidge and finally Lance. They all struggled against invisible bindings wrapped around them and around their mouths as well. Lance was in incredible pain from the bindings being impossible tight on all his bruises and cuts. There was no one else besides them in the vermillion and grey room.

 

The Paladins and Alteans, except for Lance, continued to struggle against their prisons. As Pidge was trying to find a way out, she found a tiny clip buried in the invisible ropes and undid it. Her ropes fell off and she fell to the ground.

 

"Ouch," she exclaimed, "okay everyone, about 5 centimetres below your hands, there's a small clip. You can undo it and the ropes come off."

 

Everyone started trying to find the release clip while Pidge kept a look out. There was only one problem, Lance was in too much pain trying to move to actually reach the clip. One by one, everyone else was able to get out, but Lance was still struggling, tears leaking from his eyes.

 

"Come on Lance, everyone else has managed it. Hurry the fuck up!" Pidge called exasperated, not looking over at him.

 

It was then enemies burst through the door.

 

"Hurry up Lance!" Pidge called again.

 

The rest of the team were forced to slowly take out the enemies while the blue paladin was still stuck. Eventually, Coran came around and undid Lance's clip for him because the enemies were becoming too numerous to manage.

 

"Go, go, go!" Allura called and they all ran out the door. There was only one way to go so they kept running, galra were shooting at them as they dashed away until they finally found the lions and castle. While fending off the galra, they were finally able to get out alive. The lions quickly flew into the castle and Allura created the wormhole so they all left the dangerous territory.

 

All the paladins joined Coran and Allura at the bridge for a debrief. The debrief was pretty normal until Pidge pointed out, "Lance, what took you so long?? You have to be better. You realise we could've died!"

 

Lance collapsed inside. He should've done better. They nearly _died_ because of him. He quickly fled the room.

 

_He had to cut._

_He had to cut._

_He had to cut._

_He had to cut._

 

He knew there were blades Shiro and Keith missed in their search, like under his chest of drawers. He locked his door, pulled that blade out and slit his wrists over and over. There was blood absolutely everywhere.

 

_Useless_

 

_Idiot_

 

_Burden_

 

_Worthless_

 

_Stupid_

 

_Weak_

 

_Pathetic_

 

_Slow_

 

He didn't realise that Keith had managed to open the door.

 

"Stop." He ordered.

 

Lance whipped around, automatically attempting to hide his wrists. Keith could still see the blood gliding down and dropping onto the floor.

 

"Fuck off." Lance replied.

 

"No. You're going to show me your arms. I'm going to bandage you up. Then we're going to talk about this. Understood?" Keith said, dead serious.

 

"Piss off and get the hell out of my room."

 

Lance was ready to punch Keith to get him out but that would reveal his wrists even more, so instead he just glared.

 

Seeing the look that Lance was sending him, knowing that he was going to go into fight or flight mode and probably end up hitting him, Keith quickly manoeuvred the blue paladin onto his knees with his wrists in his hands. This way meant Lance would have a harder time trying to flee or fight. The red paladin was nearly standing over the other. "Are you going to do what I say now?" He asked dangerously.

 

There was nothing the blue paladin could do to get out of this, he knew that. Keith was completely in charge. So Lance looked down at the floor and nodded.

 

"Definitely?"

 

Another nod.

 

Keith let go of the blue paladin's wrists but was still wary that he would bolt or hit him. When he didn't, he let out a sigh of relief.

 

"Ok, good. Now, arms out in front of you so I can see how bad the damage is."

 

Lance held out his arms, wrists facing upwards with blood dripping down the sides, knowing it would be useless to fight. The red paladin knelt down in front of him and inspected the offered arms. They were kind of deep but not life threatening, they would still need to be disinfected, bandaged and check regularly though.

 

Each of the bathrooms had a first aid kit in them, so Keith went to go get Lance's, being ready to go stop him if he tried to leave. When he came back into the main room with the first aid kit, he was pleasantly surprised to see the blue paladin still kneeling in the same place as he left him with arms out.

 

The red paladin very quickly and efficiently bandaged his crush up. He then surprised himself when he leaned forward to kiss the top of Lance's head. Quickly, so the blue paladin wouldn't be able to see the blush that erupted over his face, he turned Lance around to sit in his lap, not unlike how he held him when he went through that panic attack.

 

Lance once again curled up into him and rested his head on Keith's chest. He was warm and comfortable and after everything that just happened, he wanted this more than anything right now.

 

Keith gently tapped the bandages, "I'm guessing this was after that… comment Pidge said."

 

A quick nod.

 

"You know she isn't right? She didn't mean to hurt you either."

 

No response.

 

"No one ever meant to hurt you. Yes, we did, we made stupid rash decisions about what we said without properly thinking about it."

 

A quiet whisper. "You've hurt me before." Lance was finally able to say something.

 

Keith responded, speaking the complete truth, "I know, believe me, I know. I'll try my best to make sure no one hurts you again. I promise I'll never hurt you again."

 


	13. Try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry to everyone who has been expecting an update for way too long. I was in a fragile headspace and thought it was best to stay away from this work for obvious reasons. Now I've restarted my own downward spiral which has come with it's own lack of energy and inspiration so please forgive me for the lack of new chapters.

I don't own Voltron. (I wish I did though!)

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"You're going to tell them, aren't you? The rest of the team, I mean. About what I did." Lance asked the red paladin, mumbling.

"Not really, we all kind of guessed what was going to happen which is why I rushed over to you so quickly." Keith replied, "We should go up and see them soon though. They're probably still at the bridge. We'll tell them you're all bandaged up and okay."

 

Lance shook his head softly and shuffled around so he was in a more comfortable position resting on the red paladin, his head buried in his crush's chest. Keith assumed that everyone was watching via the security cameras so he was content to just let his crush curl up on him for a little while. Lance was obviously still very emotional and should have some time to rest and get his head back in order after what had happened. It was definitely a rough day for him.

 

When all of this was happening, everyone else was watching the two paladins from the bridge. Pidge was bawling in the corner of the room with Allura trying to comfort her, telling her that everything was okay now and she knew that she never meant for this to happen. Allura just hoped that in the end every single one of her teammates would be okay.

 

"But it was all my fault, I got angry and wanted to blame someone and I just lashed out. I was so scared after the fighting. I didn't mean for this to happen." Pidge cried.

 

"Hey, no, come on Pidge, it's normal to lash out sometimes, it happens. Everyone does it occasionally. It'll all be okay. We knew it would happen at some point soon anyway. It will be fine." Allura told her.

 

Coran, Shiro and Hunk were watching Keith and Lance sombrely, they had discussed before what would need to happen if the blue paladin relapsed- they would need to put him on lockdown to protect him from himself. They knew Keith would explain that to him soon. He was probably the right person to tell him too, especially if Lance curling up with him was any indicator. Coran, piped up at one point a little later on and mentioned, "They do make an adorable couple though, don't they?" The two paladins nodded briefly and then they all continued to watch in silence. Maybe something good could come out of all of this pain and hurt.

 

~~~~Time Lapse~~~~

 

"Come on, we need to talk about what happens next." Keith said to his crush after he figured the blue paladin was okay and a little more in control of his emotions.

 

Lance ducked his head in embarrassment and a bit of fear. He didn't really want to talk about this and knew he'd have to agree to whatever they wanted. If he wanted to, he way be able to take one or possibly two on at the same time, he wouldn't be able to fight all of them at the same time, besides, they're his friends, he didn't want to fight them. The red paladin pulled him up so they were both sitting on his bed.

 

"We, the rest of the team, discussed this a while ago, what we would do if this happened. Please just be quiet until I'm finished. It'll be easier that way. Pretty much, you're going on lockdown- the door for your bedroom will be reprogrammed to stay open, you will come to every meal and eat everything that's given to you, you will always have one of us with you and you will give me every single blade you have. Understood?" Keith asked.

 

He received a quick nod from his crush. Lance got up and got the few blades Keith and Shiro had missed, he then proceeded to hand them over to Keith who slipped them into his pocket for disposal later. He wanted to try and get better, one small step at a time. Lance then sat back down on his bed next to the red paladin.

 

"This is not because we want to make it harder for you. It's because we all desperately want you to get better. We want you to talk to us when you're feeling bad so we can help you." He tilted Lance's head so he was looking into his eyes. "Lance, no matter what, I will always be here for you."

 

Keith realised how close they were and desperately wanted to kiss him.

 

"No, nope, definitely not the time." He said to himself. "But he's so cute, and adorable, and sweet, and beautiful, and strong, and brave." His thoughts just kept going and he just wanted to tell Lance but he knew it wasn't the right time and there was absolutely no way Lance liked him back, especially after everything he'd done.

 

He was lost in thought until Lance whispered, "I'll try… I'll try to get better."

 

"That's all I ask." He replied softly. He was immensely glad that Lance would try to get better and help himself.

 

Lance desperately wanted to tell the red paladin that he liked him, but he knew that Keith would never like him in that way, sure they had started getting a little closer, but he was Lance- stupid, fucked up, worthless, useless, cutter, depressed, suicidal Lance. No matter how much he wanted to be with Keith, it would never ever happen. Even if Keith liked him back, it wasn't fair to Keith for Lance to be in a relationship with him, he had too many problems and would just drag the light of his light down.

 

"You're thinking negative things again. Whatever that voice is telling you, it's wrong." Keith said, he realised a while ago there was a certain mask Lance would put on when he wasn't thinking happy and healthy thoughts.

 

The blue paladin blushed bright red when Keith said that, given what he was thinking. He had no idea what to say to he mumbled out a quick, "k."

 

"You know you can talk to me right? Not gonna judge or anything. Besides, there are no therapists in space, y'know." The red paladin asked.

 

"No, no, it's fine, I'd rather not right now, uh, if that's okay." Lance stammered out quickly.

 

Keith nodded and pulled the blue paladin over to him again and they just stayed close to each other for a while.


	14. Love

I don't own Voltron. (I wish I did though!)

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Lance was currently lying on the floor of his room with his feet up on the bed and his door wide open. Pidge was in the corner of the room working on a small gadget. There was nothing much to do, Lance had already done training that day and would've kept going longer but Hunk dragged him out after he received a large laceration down his leg. So now he was just in his room, bored, so so bored. The blue paladin did not cope well with bored.

 

There was a knock by the door. He swirled his head around to see Keith standing there. "Hey, I just came to see you." The red paladin said.

 

"Why?"

 

"Why not?"

 

"Touché."

 

Then they just talked. Talked about random things, things that would make Lance happy. Keith talked to him about home and family and friends and hobbies- just little things that would hopefully build the blue paladin up a little.

 

Finally it was time for dinner and the three paladins went to the dining hall where Hunk has made 'Space Stroganoff.' Lance looked down at the plate in front of him. He wasn't particularly hungry but he knew the rules. He didn’t want everyone mad at him or to be on an even tighter watch, so he shut up and ate it. It was good, he had to admit, really damn good, but still.

 

This happened most days, the red paladin would come in even when it wasn't his shift to come talk to him. Sure, the others did as well but not like Keith did. They would talk about so many different things but they would also talk about supporting each other and recovery. Keith would always let him go at his own pace and it wouldn't be every day, just when Keith knew Lance would actually be up to it.

 

~~~Time Lapse~~~

 

Lance heard footsteps coming closer and closer to his room. Shiro still sat on the chair in the blue paladin's room, reading his book. A few moments later Keith stood by his doorway. Lance knew by now that this, of course, was not an uncommon occurrence. He came in and sat next to the blue paladin on the bed and gave him a quick, yet meaningful, hug.

 

"Shiro, would you mind if I have a minute alone with Lance?" Keith asked.

 

Shiro, knowing that Lance would be safe and comfortable with him, and seeing that Keith was clearly nervous about something, simply nodded and left the room.

 

"Lance, I have to tell you something." The depressed paladin's heart started beating faster at those words from fear.

 

He's sick of you.

He doesn't want to deal with your shit anymore. 

He's can't deal with you always needing help.

 

"I like you." His head snapped up at those words, the words sliced through the upsetting thoughts he had. "As in really like you." The red paladin took a deep breath, presumably to gather his nerves. "As in love you. I know there's no way it's reciprocated but I needed to tell you."

 

Keith looked at Lance expecting to see shock or disgust on his face but all he saw was an odd blankness, as if something wasn't computing.

 

"But I'm fucked up…" Keith interrupted him abruptly, "No you're not, this is not all of you. It doesn't matter. I want to help and that isn't changing."

 

The depressed paladin took a few deep breaths. "I- I never imagined… I've liked you for so so long and…and I never thought that you could even possibly feel the same way about me. I've never thought that I was good enough to deserve you ."

 

The red paladin didn't say anything to this, he simply leaned forward and kissed his love on the forehead and then moved to wrap Lance in his arms. He just held him safe and sound with the blue paladin's head resting on his chest.

 

A little while later, Lance mumbled something into Keith's chest. The red paladin couldn't understand what he had said so he manoeuvred them and asked Lance to repeat what he had said. Blushing, the blue paladin implored, "So what happens now?"

 

"Will you go out with me and be my boyfriend?" Keith queried.

 

The blue paladin nodded his head and snuggled back close into Keith and that's how Shiro found them later in the day.

 

"My, my, you two look comfortable." Both teens blushed at his words. "It's about time though, everyone was wondering when this would happen." They both turned an even deeper red at this, Keith's face nearly matching his uniform.

 

"Come on you two lovebirds, it's time for dinner." Shiro laughed out.

 

The red paladin helped Lance up and gently took his hand in his own. All three paladins of Voltron made their way to dinner in silence, with the couple exchanging quick glances at each other or at their intertwined hands, both thinking how incredibly lucky they were.

 

 

Lance did not recover immediately after this. It took him a long long time and it never fully went away, sometimes he would sink back into depression. But now he had a reason to try and get better and stay strong. Keith didn't magically cure him and make everything sunshine and rainbows, but he helped him strive to be healthy, he reinforced his will and hope to get better. Lance knew that love doesn't solve every problem to ever exist, but it can provide a little motivation.


End file.
